Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You've changed since you got that strap on
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
