Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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