Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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