I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
