your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
