I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
