Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
