I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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