i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
