Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
