the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
