I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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