I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
