Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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