youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
