Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
