Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
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