hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
