Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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