remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize