Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
