Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
