it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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