Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
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