Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
