forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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