why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
