I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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