you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
