sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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