Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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