u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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