On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
