you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
