Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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