Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Did I show you my penis last night?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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