You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
