It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
