I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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