My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
