I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
