dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My hand turned me down
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
