I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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