question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize