I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
