She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
