a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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