Your mouth is God's brothel.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
