I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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