I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
