went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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