I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
