I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
