Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
you had me at cake vodka
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
