Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
