woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
