guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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