I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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