Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
