i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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