I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Jerry, you need to find god
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
